I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
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Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Worst Native American name ever.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.