i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
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Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Livid.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”