straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
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I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Yes my dude
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.