Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
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An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used