if a staircase can spiral so can i.
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Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
podcasts
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim