“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
the composer
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet