With this onion ring, I thee fed
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I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection