Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
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Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.