Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name