*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
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I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Rather alarming headline…
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
be careful
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice