Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
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Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps