Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
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Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box