The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
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A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My sex drive has a dui
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.