*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.