If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
You Might Also Like
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
wait.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.