*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
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My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Batman v Dracula
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020