*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
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best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave