*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
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[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!