Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
LOL
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.