[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
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I’m tired tomorrow.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.