My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
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[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch