i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
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date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
asked my bf how work was today
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you