Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG