Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
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Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Peter Parker Peter Driver
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Body by sandwich.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.