The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
You Might Also Like
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
incredible book dedication
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.