It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
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Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
True freaking story!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.