My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
as is their right
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out