i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
What my back needs
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be