Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”