Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
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I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
The old gods are rising again.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
if a cop pulls u over play dead
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu