So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
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Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
no one ever comes back
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.