Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
😜
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.