Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
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If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you