Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!