they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
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FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it