they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
This will teach them to underestimate me
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Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?