cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
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The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
rise and shine we got egg
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?