Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
And bowling should be called pinball
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.