hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.