If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
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Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
the answer was staring at me all along
it’s the silliest best thing
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Alexa, make me look good naked.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.