I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
The best shot in the history of golf
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car