I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
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Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.