“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
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[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.