I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…