Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
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Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”