Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
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I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Mood.. 😂
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?