A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already