him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song