I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
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*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine