Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Here’s a meme
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Catercrombie & Fish
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.