“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
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[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that